Nothing could prepare me for the numerous text messages I read going to bed one night this past February. My twelve-year-old son’s texts come to my iPad, but I rarely read them.
This night, the sheer quantity of them led me to read. They all said the same thing: “Braeden, are you really gay?”
Trying to keep calm, I started reading them to my husband, Scott. It was almost midnight and Braeden was fast asleep, but Scott insisted we wake him up and ask him if it was true. When we got him awake enough to ask and he nodded his head in what felt like resignation, pride was the most overwhelming feeling I felt. Fear was what my husband felt.
Scott started asking all the wrong questions and when I felt it had gone on long enough, I asked him to leave the room. All I needed to know was that Braeden was okay. He told me that he had known for a few months and didn’t feel like hiding it anymore. I have never felt prouder as a mom. Scott’s pride would come. He just needed time.
A My husband, who played lacrosse his whole life, now coached Braeden. The bond this sport gave them was one that Scott had shared with his dad, before he passed away when Scott was 24. Lacrosse is everything to these two guys in my life and Scott thought that his son being gay was going to make that difficult. He thought that Braeden wouldn’t be accepted into the fraternity that had been such a big part of his life.
There was a resounding feeling of support from Braeden’s friends. Some took a bit of time to adjust, but most of them said he was still the same Braeden and didn’t skip a beat. It was so amazing to watch.
What was kind of surprising, though, was how alone we felt going through this as parents. Like Scott at first, a lot of parents didn’t understand how a twelve year old could know that he’s gay. The simplest way to explain it is to ask, “How did you know that you liked girls/boys?” “You just know.”
Many parents also weren’t comfortable with the idea that they had to talk to their kids about this. These kids were in elementary school the year before. I get it. We didn’t have immediate plans to have these conversations with Braeden either, but then everything changed for us. We didn’t know anyone else with a gay child, much less a gay athlete. We had to figure out this uncharted territory on our own.
A real game-changer came when Braeden downloaded an app on his phone called Ask.fm. It invited his social media followers to ask him questions anonymously. Had we known about this, we could have prevented so much pain for Braeden. The responses ranged from “You’re too young to know you’re gay” to “Do you suck d*** for money?”.
Without knowing who asked these questions, Braeden didn’t know who to trust. He completely shut down and pushed all of his friends away. Wanting to do damage control, Scott sent all the dads an email asking for them to talk to their kids and be patient with Braeden.
In Braeden’s head, he was being treated badly because he was gay, when in reality he was being treated exactly the way he was treating others. He was lashing out at his true friends and they didn’t understand why. When Braeden’s anger turned into depression and talks of suicide became a daily thing, we knew we couldn’t do this alone.
We had both heard about Andrew Goldstein and easily found information about him online. Thanks to his husband Jamie, a segment that aired on ESPN’s SportsCenter back in 2005 had been posted to YouTube. We both watched it and knew that Braeden would find some hope in seeing it.
Like Braeden, Andrew was a gay lacrosse player. After coming out to his Dartmouth lacrosse team in 2003 as a sophomore, he quickly found that he could be accepted by his teammates for who he was. When we showed Braeden the ESPN piece, just knowing that Andrew was out there made him feel less alone. Scott was able to find an email address for Andrew who is now doing cancer research at UCLA and sent him an email asking for some advice.
We were overjoyed when Andrew replied and said he wanted to do more than give advice. He wanted to do whatever he could to help Braeden. After struggling with so much worry and heartache, his kindness was a lifesaver for us. We had someone to help us with something we couldn’t fight alone anymore.
With his second email, Andrew sent a video to Braeden saying that he’s the bravest kid he’s ever heard of and that he was planning to send the helmet he wore while playing as an openly gay man with the Long Island Lizards of Major League Lacrosse to show Braeden that he stands with him.
Being there as Braeden watched that video was a moment I will cherish for the rest of my life. Through tears, he asked Scott why Andrew did this for him. He was so overcome with disbelief that his new idol wanted to help him. Nothing was ever the same after that. That was the beginning of Braeden returning to us. The beginning of our healing. Shortly after meeting Andrew and his husband, they came to us with the idea of playing a lacrosse game in our hometown of Philadephia in honor of Breaden and his courage. Andrew only knows how to do things big, so with the help of Nick Welton, an openly gay lacrosse coach in Seattle, the Courage Game was born. This first annual game took place the same weekend as the NCAA Championship, which was also in Philly. You Can Play and Lax All Stars provided support for the game and almost everything for the day was donated by local sponsors. Gear and equipment from Wave One Sports, Nike, Lacrosse International and Sports Authority and enough food to feed three hundred people from Wegman’s! We also raised more money than we expected and received a $2,000 donation from TD Bank.
Andrew Goldstein, Braeden and Nick Welton at the Courage Game (Courtesy of Mandy Lange)
The game that was planned and executed in five weeks was spectacular. It was held at “Ace” Adams field at Penn Park in the most perfect weather we could ask for. We had gay lacrosse players and allies from all over the country come to support our son. Braeden played in the youth game alongside 60 other kids, including numerous friends from his years playing lacrosse and many more kids who just wanted to support him, some of whom went home that night and had conversations with their parents about standing up for their teammates regardless of sexual orientation.
Greg Gurenlian from the New York Lizards, the 2015 Major League Lacrosse MVP, coached one of the youth teams. Scott, Andrew and Nick played in the adult game while the kids cheered them on. College coaches, representative Brian Sims, Geno from Geno’s and many other surprise guests were on hand.
Along with other media outlets, ESPN came to capture this momentous day — exactly 10 years to the day that the original SportsCenter feature on Andrew aired — for a new SportsCenter feature. We welcomed ESPN journalist Greg Garber and producer Ben Webber into our home to talk about the incredible ride that we’ve been on since that night when we woke up our son in the middle of the night.
Scott’s fear of there being no place for a gay kid in lacrosse was squashed tenfold. We started this journey alone, but in less than six months we are so tremendously honored and grateful to be able to share our story on this appropriately-needed platform.
Our SportsCenter feature airs August 30 at 11:00am EST on ESPN. Our hope is that it helps parents embrace having an LGBT child. It’s been one of our biggest blessings and Braeden continues to teach us every day.
Read Andrew Goldstein’s account of his and Braeden’s relationship here.
The Trevor Project is the leading national resource in crisis intervention and suicide prevention in the LGBTQ community. Please visit their website for proper, professional support: http://www.thetrevorproject.org.
You Can Play brings stories of LGBT athletes and allies while providing an outlet for these stories to be told. You Can Play will have monthly features on Sporting News.
