Ok, fine, that’s not entirely true. I actually love it. I don’t watch sports that are dumb, only pro wrestling and golf, so WrestleMania is like my Open World Superbowl Series Cup.

I’ve been wearing only wrestling t-shirts since Royal Rumble, I’m hosting parties every night this weekend starting with the Hall of Fame.

I got a New Day unicorn horn and KO shorts, an Alexa Bliss shirt and Lucha Underground socks all laid out. I’m very excited. I always get excited. Every year. I’m a forever-doomed optimist.

I think my issue is I get so excited about the Royal Rumble, and the concept of the Road To WrestleMania, that I tend to forget that it’s basically a holding pattern for last minute changes. And that WrestleMania itself is basically a company-wide pat on the back for a job well done. Even if that job is “being named Bill Goldberg.”

The problem is, WrestleMania rarely lives up to the hype. The last truly great one was when Daniel Bryan was still active. The last few have been less than stellar, and there are baskets of duds before that.

With all the “Look at what Vince created!” hullabaloo, and promotion, and advertising, and star-studded accessible events, the actual wrestling and story that has led to all of this, takes a back seat.

Belts are put on people who the company feels “deserve” it (probably Enzo and Cass), even if “deserving it” translates into “they sold a bunch of merch.”

Matches that are built very well, in comparison to much of the card, are actually elaborate set ups to fabricated “emotional moments (Hi, John and Nikki, sorry Miz and Maryse).

Main events like Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg in “Video Games Are Serious” matches are turned into Universal Championship matches because apparently, we can’t be interested in that match without another stipulation besides “how are they going to top their Survivor Series match?”

Also read: 5 Reasons Roman Reigns is pushed despite all the hatred

Triple H is so set on wherever he vs Seth Rollins goes that he’s been sitting on it for a year. I lost interest around the time Rollins returned from injury the first time.

Women who worked their butts off all year share the spotlight with every other available woman because WWE doesn’t think fans care enough to see a baller singles match between two women at Mania. Guys, just buy some Naomi gear.

Show them with your wallet that you respect this sport as much as Bayley does. You look stupid in the Roman Reigns design #629 shirt, anyway.

I’ve heard people say that WrestleMania isn’t for the actual fans that stay loyal and give money all year to the product, that it’s for the casual fans in hopes of getting THEIR money, too. I guess that’s fair, to everybody EXCEPT the fans that actually care deeply about the sport.

It sucks for me, and probably you, but it’s also the truth. So how can I guarantee a positive Mania experience this year? I don’t want to be disappointed every year so I’m gonna approach WrestleMania 33 a little differently this year.

With searing hatred and a feeling of total despair.

How to watch WrestleMania

Watch it on Mute.

It’s the only option.

Corey Graves is great, but he can’t keep Michael Cole and David Otunga from being as annoying as Janet from Friends or as dumb as Joey from Friends. Also, the crowd always sucks and tries to hijack the show, so just make up your own chants.

Bet on it.

Betting makes everything more fun, especially when you win. So make crazy bets with your friends to liven things up. Bet on the time length of Brock vs Goldberg. Bet on how long it will take Undertaker to get from the entrance to the ring.

Maybe make a wager on whether or not Shane will launch any offence besides jumping off of something really high up in the air. Bet on Baron Corbin’s ring gear, Yay or Burn It With Fire?

For a sure thing, bet on Cesaro being dressed to the nines and doing that upside down thing in the corner.

Pretend you hate pro wrestling.

It can be very cathartic, and often fun, to just bag on everything you see on the screen. Don’t half-ass it either. Complain about the time in between matches being too long (easy), complain about the music (easier).

Wonder out loud why each match is worse than the last. At around 10 PM ask everybody around you if the Cruiserweight match is next. Do unflattering and completely off-base imitations of every single wrestler the entire show.

Constantly ask people around you if they know it’s fake. Actually, nevermind. That sounds a lot like people that say they LOVE pro wrestling.

Drink. A lot.

You’re gonna need it. You’ll be tempted to light up your arteries during whatever segment Stephanie shows up on whatever segment she’s gonna show up on unless you’re all of the sheets to the wind.

If you don’t drink, ask a buddy to smack you upside the head with 2x4, ala Hacksaw Jim Duggan, until the desired effect.*

Dress up like your favourite wrestler.

This only works if your favourite wrestler wears fly outfits. If you look like hairy Bull Dempsey but your favourite wrestler is Daniel Bryan, this will probably just make you even more depressed. Especially if you’re watching it in public at a bar like I did last year.

Also, there’s a good chance you’ll get beat up by strangers. And some friends.

Get the best seat in the house.

I don’t care where you’re watching it, just make sure your seat is comfortable, and you have access to the bathroom and refreshments and above all, you can SEE the TV.

There’s nothing worse than getting the shaft and having to sit behind a tall jerk with a hat or in the bean bag that your friend spilt Faygo on. Honestly, if you can figure out how to watch it on a rollercoaster like WWE has led me to believe, then by all means, do so.

Let me know how, too, that sounds rad.

Watch NXT.

Any of it. Any episode, any match, any TakeOver. Hell, watch the TakeOver from Saturday again, three times. You can still probably catch the main event of Mania if you don’t take any breaks.

Watch RuPaul’s Drag Race.

It’s a really good show with spicy dialogue, fantastic outfits and fierce competitions. Like pro wrestling, but better.

Or don’t watch anything at all. I don’t care. I’m gonna watch WrestleMania 33 because I hate myself. And I’ll probably love every second of it.

*If your friend does this, they’re not your friend. Also, don’t ever listen to anything I say.

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